The One Thing Batman Doesn't Have
Written by Cpt. Bone

He’s got a helicopter, a jet, a submarine, speed boat, and motorcycles, but there is one thing I have that Batman doesn’t have, a sailboat. Perhaps this is just a matter of stink boat prejudice. More likely, It is a matter of practicality. After all, one can only ask Alfred to take care of so much stuff at his age, and he steadfastly refuses to do varnish work. Also, a sailboat is not the most effective tool for chasing down the wide variety of psychotics who need chasing in and around Gotham City. Take this episode for example. The Penguin has just been released from prison after being paroled from yet another life sentence for gassing people or poisoning something. The Gotham City prison parole board, apparently has no access to records of any kind and doesn’t seem to have any idea that this weirdo has either directly or indirectly been responsible for killing or injuring thousands of people over the years.

They are convinced that the Penguin is rehabilitated and orders his release. But maybe they are just following Gotham City’s stringent 35 strikes and you’re out law. Either way, the Penguin is back out on the streets and unbeknownst to everyone he’s been directing his henchmen from jail to create and build some diabolical device with an Antarctic, flightless bird motif.

For a while everyone seems satisfied that he is indeed a changed man despite some 50 years of evidence to the contrary. "God help us, but we’re just not very bright." declares Commissioner Gordon at one point. Then, taking everyone by surprise, the Penguin launches his evil plot. The situation looks grim and the Bat signal is lit. But the Penguin has outsmarted everyone again, becoming the first villain to understand that on a sunny day, the Bat signal can’t be seen because of the glare. Several hours pass before Commissioner Gordon realizes this and calls Batman on the phone. After a very poorly staged fight scene, during which the Penguin escapes on a very oddly shaped jet ski, Batman declares, "To the Bat-ketch!" He and Robin then leap aboard a sleek Oceanus 41 painted all black so that it is unbelievably hot below decks. Quickly they are away from the dock despite Robins getting his cape caught up in the mainsheet blocks and having to stop to cut it free.

"Holy sheepshank Batman! He’s getting away!" shouts Robin pointing towards the Penguin, who even though he had almost an hour head start on a very fast boat, is not that far away. Batman then pulls out the Bat-Radar gun and sees that the Penguin is bounding along at 30 knots.

"What’s our boat speed Robin?"

"6.5 Batman." answers the boy wonder.

"Looks like we’ll have to go to overdrive. Get the Kevlar 130!" Twenty five minutes later a sweaty Robin plops down in the cockpit after wrestling with the giant headsail by himself on the pitching foredeck. "Holy Puff Batman! Now we’re doing 7.3!"

"Yes Robin, but that’s still 23 knots too slow."

Just then they hear the distinctive sound of the Bat-copter overhead and look up to see the ever-faithful Alfred waving as he activates the Bat-Cloud seeder. Soon the cloud tops begin to rise; a stiff breeze fills their sails and the boat speed jumps to almost eight.

"Holy Pointlessness Batman!" shouts Robin,

Our episode ends with the Penguin turned around on his careening jet ski laughing maniacally at the struggling Bat-ketch on the horizon. Fully unaware of his imminent approach to the shipping channel and an on-coming freighter, without warning the jet ski becomes airborne on the giant ship’s wake and the Penguin, caught by surprise, is hurled into the water. There he flogs, making his characteristic squawking sounds before finally being pulled under the freighter. When the big ship is past, all that is left is the jet ski set adrift, a few shreds of the Penguins’ tuxedo, and finally his top hat bobs to the still swirling surface.

Some two hours later the Bat-ketch arrives, well behind the local police and the Coast Guard who politely but firmly tell the dynamic duo that the situation is under control, their services are no longer required, and could they please clear the area. Batman and Robin turn to each other stunned before reluctantly bringing the Bat-ketch about and skulking back to port, all the while muttering about "no good, ungrateful cops, after all we’ve done for them, see if we show up next time, etc.…" The Penguin’s body is of course, never found. One week after the dramatic chase, the Bat-ketch sits at the Gotham City Yacht Sales dock. The equipment list includes a net launcher,winged keel mounted torpedoes, Bat-furler, and refrigeration. After two years it sells, but at a greatly reduced price.